Sunday, January 28, 2007

The REAL Reasons Women Find Men Attractive

One of the first things students ask me about women is "How do I become more than a friend to her?" In a later post, I'll get into a couple techniques, but for now, I'll start with this: The Four Levels of Attraction.

Guys who are good around women effortlessly (and often without even realizing it) trigger each of these levels of attraction in women. If you are having trouble getting past the friend zone, it's likely that you are leaving out a level.

The Four Levels of Attraction are as follows, and they are listed in order of importance: 1) Triggering Dominant Emotions, 2) Sexiness/Manliness, 3) Being a Challenge, 4) Logical Factors. However, while these levels differ in importance, they are all necessary in getting a woman to fall for you.

Allow me to explain…

Level #1: Triggering Dominant Emotions

We all have the desire to…

1) have fun,

2) be popular,

3) command respect,

4) be independent, and

5) see the world.

The truth is, very few of us are completely happy with ourselves in any of these. Subconsciously (and sometimes consciously), we feel the need to live a more exciting life … to have more friends and go to more parties … to convince more people of our beliefs … to do what we want and not care about what other people think … and to pursue our dreams and live out our aspirations.

Because we are unhappy with these qualities in our own life, we follow others who confidently project these to the world.

Think about it…

1) People flock to hang out with those having most fun at parties. Wallflowers rarely attract anybody.

2) Popular people make friends faster and easier than unpopular people.

3) People in power effortlessly get others to follow them.

4) People who “do their own thing” regardless of what others think tend to be leaders of others. (Think the “bad boys” from high school, and how many women they got…)

5) People are naturally drawn to stories of the rich, famous and worldly.

Men who clearly project at least one of these dominant emotions consistently and inevitably intrigue women.

A similar strategy occurs in ads and commercials: Well-marketed products begin by making the customer realize what he/she is missing in life (using a dominant emotion, typically fear or greed), then the product is set up as the solution for filling that missing gap. Since human nature is human nature, the exact same strategy works for attracting women.

How men use this to become more attractive to women:

They make money: Rich guys invoke emotions #3 and #5.

They develop their artistic or bad-ass qualities: Independent thinkers invoke emotion #4.

They become the life of the party and always have a great time: “Lifes of the party” invoke emotions #1, #2, #3.

Notice it doesn’t take any specific talents to become great at #1, #2, #3, or #4. Literally ANY guy, no matter your shape, your size, or your looks, can master these to trigger the emotions of attraction in women.

Level #2: Sexiness & Manliness

Below the dominant emotions are two necessary but less important factors of attraction: your looks and your testosterone.

Women are accepting when it comes to men’s natural looks. Every day you see bald men, fat men, short men and even ugly men with good-looking women. While good looks might be initially exciting to a woman, looks don’t consistently trigger deep feelings in a woman like dominant emotions do.

However, women WILL place significance on style. If you are poorly groomed or poorly dressed, she will see you as being out of touch with society, and it will lower your credibility as a fun, popular guy.

In most cases, women are more attracted to masculine men, just like how most men would rather date the girly-girl cheerleader than the tom-boy. Masculinity is a primal attraction trigger, and there’s no real logic behind it. Just realize it’s there and it matters.

How to use this to become more attractive to women:

Go to the mall with an in-the-know female friend, and ask her to find clothes for you. Chances are, she will have fun helping you out, and she’ll see it more as an opportunity than a favor.

Spend $40+ on a cool haircut. You’ll only have to do it once, and it’s worth it to pay for an expert’s opinion on the best look for your hair.

Be a man! If you enjoy sewing or fashion design or ballet, that’s fine (keep doing it). But don’t shy away from projecting your love of steak and football, too. Manliness is a mysterious and powerful force.

Level #3: Being a Challenge

We hate telemarketers and salesmen who try to tell us how we should be living our lives and spending our money. Nobody likes being duped or told what to do.

The same goes for women and attraction. If she realizes you are trying to attract her before you actually do, you’re out. Read that sentence again.

Sadly, most guys don’t realize women – like men - want to figure things out for themselves. Instead, these poor fellows make the mistake of approaching on a bee-line in bars and clubs … smiling too much when first meeting a woman … giving her a compliment … and buying her a drink.

Keep this in mind: Whenever a woman is approached, the first thing she wonders is “Why is this person talking to me?” If she figures out you’re trying to attract her, and she’s not already attracted to you, it makes her feel like you’re selling yourself to her.

And just like telemarketers and those people on infomercials … people who sell assume a lower value.

How to use this to become more attractive to women:

Let her figure out on her own how amazing you are. Talk about something platonic – and MEAN it. Talk to her because – legitimately – you find her to be an interesting person, not because you have a hidden agenda to sleep with her.

Get her friends laughing. Have her notice you engaging other people. Have her notice other women ogling you as you talk to them.

Playfully kid with her. Think about how you act towards female friends you don’t find attractive. In a friendly, funny and innocent way, you tease them a bit and get them laughing. (Make sure it’s friendly, funny and innocent. Jerks don’t get laid.)

This teasing automatically tells a woman that you are not selling yourself to her. As a result, she’ll realize you are speaking to her not to “pick her up”, but to meet someone new and to have a good time.

This will put her at ease, lower her defenses, and get her mind thinking about YOU instead of “Why is he approaching me?” Crucial stuff.

Level #4: Logical Factors

Way at the bottom of the attraction chain are the logical factors: being funny, smart, witty, charming, eloquent, chivalrous, nice, sweet, kind, and having the same interests.

Remember, EMOTIONS are what convince people to take action. None of these logical factors invoke emotions in women.

However, these logical factors do serve some importance. One of the laws of sales is that people act on their emotions, but must justify those actions with logic. This is why you see car commercials start with scenes of a car cruising through the mountains or beaches (emotion), then end with statistics like horsepower and APR rates (logic).

(Here’s a quick exercise for figuring out what stirs emotions. Look at a picture of a gorgeous model, and pay attention to how your mind starts going crazy. All at once you feel emotions of insecurity, vanity and power, among others. Now, let’s say I told you that model was also an Ivy-league grad who was a great cook. Notice you don’t feel your mind going crazy as before, but you DO feel more attracted to her because you’ve justified your attraction for her through logic.)

These logical factors won’t attract women, but they are important because they can add onto attraction that is already there, and missing them could be a dealbreaker. Take this for example…

Even if you trigger dominant emotions in her… even if you are sexy and manly… even if you are a challenge…

… if you fail to open a door for her – and she MUST have a man who is chivalrous – you’re done.

The strange thing is, most men invert the attraction levels and put logical factors at the top. They tell a woman a great joke, give her a kind compliment, speak in an intelligent way, and become frustrated when women back away from their advances. If you’ve experienced problems with attracting women, perhaps you’ve done the same.

How to use this to become more attractive to women:

Tell your jokes. Study hard. Be a nice, kind person. But don’t expect any girl to fall for you because of it.

Simply realize these are just qualities a woman checks off in her head before she justifies her attraction to you – and you’ll be more inclined to focus on the other, more important levels of attraction that will make you more successful with meeting and dating beautiful women.

Overall, the best way to become good at attracting women is to force yourself to go out and meet more of them. Like any skill, you'll naturally get better at it the more you try. But keep these levels in mind. In my experience, it quickens the amount of time needed to really excel with attraction.


melwin said...

You need to have a good sense of humor if women are to be attracted to you!
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MR Lakshmi said...

Has a guy ever given you mixed signals?

One minute he’s crazy about you and the next minute you have no clue if he ever wants to see you again?

And it’s especially hard when there’s something special between you and you have no idea what went wrong.

I assure you it’s nothing that you did.

In fact, he may even care about you a great deal and still not be able to stop himself from acting this way.

But why does this happen?

There’s one BIG reason why men do this...

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Thanks again.