Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Hey Freud, Here's What Women Want

"What do women want in a man?"

Freud, for all his great insights, didn't have an answer. Neither did any of the hundreds of men from around the world that come to me each day looking for help.

I figured I'd give it my best shot. Hopefully this will clear up some common misconceptions frustrated guys have about women and what they want in a man.

First off, let's think about the process of a typical attraction. Man approaches woman, woman decides man is worth her phone number, then her time for a first date, then her kiss, and so on as the relationship progresses to sex and onward.

The woman is constantly assessing the man's value. It's not about what he does, it's about who he actually is. A bit confused? You shouldn't be, because men do the same thing whether they realize it or not. Take this for example...

Imagine you decide to learn how to play golf. Your local course has two pros offering private lessons. To find out which pro is better for you, you sign up for one lesson with each.

You go in for your lesson with the first coach. He seems overly nice. During the lesson, he constantly references tips he found in golf magazines, tactics other coaches are teaching, and coaches clinics he's attended. He says he's not a great player but knows how to teach the game. At the end, he thanks you for trying him out and says his schedule is wide open.

Now you go in for your lesson with the second coach. He meets you and immediately starts the lesson without much small talk. This coach teaches his own beliefs, and he makes it a point to explain why he teaches everything he does. He mentions several top local players that take lessons from him. At the end, he shows you his packed schedule with one time slot available. "I'll hold it till the end of the day if you decide you want to continue with the lessons," he says.

Chances are, you'll keep working with the second coach. Why? Because you believe the first coach doesn't know what he's talking about, while the second coach does. Of course, you follow the coach that shows he's more valuable.

Step-by-step, here is what you might have thought as you took your lesson:

From the first coach...
He seems overly nice. - "Why is he being so nice to me? He probably doesn't have many students, or is new at this."

During the lesson, he constantly references tips he found in golf magazines. - "If this guy is a pro, shouldn't he already know this stuff instead of telling me things he read out of magazines? I don't think he's actually a pro."

From the second coach...
This coach teaches his own beliefs, and he makes a point of it to explain why he teaches everything he does. - "He's teaching me stuff I've never heard before, but he's explaining it and it makes sense. He knows what he's doing."

At the end, he shows you his packed schedule with one time slot available. - "Lots of people, even top players, are going to him. He must be good."

By their various statements and actions, you determined the second coach is better. Note that this had nothing to do with how the second coach treated you - in fact, the first coach was nicer to you and had the more flexible schedule. You picked the second coach because of who he is.

The same questions enter the woman's mind when you approach her, meet her and date her. However, instead of wondering if her date knows how to teach tennis, she wonders these things:

1) Does he know who he is?
2) Does he know what he wants?
3) Does he know how to get what he wants?
4) Is he happy with his life?
5) Does he know how to make me happy?

In all, it's not that complex. Yet men make these common mistakes with women all the time, and it lowers their value.

1) Does he know who he is?
Trying to be a nice guy, trying to be a jerk, cocky, rich, an intellectual, a player, etc. She wonders "Why is he trying to be something he's not? Maybe it's because the real thing isn't that great."

2) Does he know what he wants?
Stating that he has no plan. Being unemployed, or at a job he doesn't like. Not letting the woman know about his life's passions. She wonders "Where is this relationship going? Maybe he doesn't even know."

3) Does he know how to get what he wants?
Complaining, whining, talking about his bad luck, blaming others, insulting others. She wonders "Why is he blaming others for failing? I'm getting the impression that he just doesn't know what he's doing, he quits too easily, or he's out of touch with reality."

4) Is he happy with his life?
Talking just about the future instead of his life now. Complaining, whining, talking about his bad luck, blaming others, insulting others. She wonders "If he's so unhappy, why doesn't he go out and meet great people and do what he wants? This sounds like baggage."

5) Does he know how to make me happy?
Saying he's had no women, saying he has few friends, saying he likes to be alone. She wonders "He doesn't have any friends? Something must be wrong."

Instead, do this. Figure out what you like, and let her know that you like it when that topic comes up in conversation.

Accept that you aren't perfect. If she says she hates lazy guys, and you are lazy, tell her "Yeah I hate laziness. Sometimes though I'll be watching a tv show marathon and just call off the rest of the day." This also shows that you aren't trying to be something you're not.

Presume the best out of people. The way you talk to people is an indication of the level of people you associate yourself with. If you ask a waiter "Can you get me a drink?" your presumption is that he might not be able to do that. A man who associates himself with competent, successful people presumes the abilities of others. That man would instead say "I'd like a drink."

Speak highly of those you know. Talk about your talented coworkers, your friends you can trust with anything, your selfless parents. It indicates that you surround yourself with great people.

If you're approaching a woman in a crowded environment, make sure she sees you enjoying yourself amongst friends or making other women laugh. This is better proof of a healthy social life than anything you can claim in conversation.

There's others. (Buy my e-book, damnit.) But when you communicate with women in the future, give some thought to how your words and actions reflect on your overall value. What does complimenting her early on suggest about you? Buying her a drink? Calling her the next day? Telling her you love her? Any of those actions could be good or bad for you. Everyone has a different style that works for them.

Leave me comments. I'll add to it a bit if I'm not being clear.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The Bumpy Soap Method for Getting What You Want in Life

Readers often ask me for a quick way to become better around women. They aren’t ready to try The Guide yet. They just want to take baby steps and get a general direction for improvement. Not only is this fine, but it’s exactly the right attitude for men who are just starting out with taking their love lives to new heights.

The Bumpy Soap Method is my answer. It’s something that we all instinctively know, except it leaves us when we need it most. When you become consciously aware of it, you’ll find it’s the best way to get anything you want out of life.

I always think best in the shower. For whatever reason, when I'm there my mind tends to wander and thoughts flow freely. Like yesterday, for example…

I had a little sliver of soap left to use. It had gotten so small that most people would toss it aside and unleash a new bar. Not me. And as it slipped out of my hand a third, fourth and fifth time, my mind began to wander again.

What is happening? Soap keeps slipping. Why? No bumps on it to grip onto. Maybe I should make a soap that stays bumpy and see if that works.

Granted, sometimes I come up with less brilliant ideas in the shower. Yet for all the spaceships and processors and amazing achievements in this world, the Bumpy Soap still eludes us.

But soon I drifted away from the actual result of my thinking, and instead focused on the method.

Essentially, it’s the method every inventor uses to improve a product. It’s the method every video gamer uses to beat a game. It’s the method every scientist uses when he tries to explain the world. And yet, when guys try to improve with women, this all-powerful method – deemed Bumpy Soap – completely disappears from our minds. Weird.

Bumpy Soap is a 4-step process:

1) Identify the problem.

2) Identify why the problem occurs.

3) Adjust accordingly and try again.

4) If there’s still a problem, repeat till you find success.

Here’s how it works out for those trying to become better with women…

Step 1: Identify the problem. Simple: “I’m not attracting women.”

Step 2: Then, identify one main reason why this problem occurs.

When I was just starting out, my problem was “I’m not meeting enough women.”

My friend Brad’s problem was “I’m staying in the friend zone.”

Many of my students have said “Women look down upon me.”

There are a few other possibilities, but normally it’s one of these three.

Step 3: Next, adjust accordingly. Put on your thinking cap, or inventor’s cap, or scientist cap, or gamer’s cap, and try to figure out how to stop that problem from happening.

“I’m not meeting enough women.” For me, it was simple. Go out and meet more women. I decided to walk around outside and start a conversation with every woman who passed by, and see how that goes.

“I’m staying in the friend zone.” Brad decided the best way to get out of the friend zone was to tell his friends his true feelings. He’d do so, and also be more direct about his intentions when meeting new women, and see how that goes.

“Women look down upon me.” My students decided to be more confident in who they are. (Yes, it’s as easy as that. You’d be surprised how easy it is to change when you logically realize confidence gives you a better chance.) They would do so around women, and see how that goes.

Step 4: Testing and Re-analyzing. Then, we tested. Chances are, you’ll be surprised how accurate you were on your first adjustment.

“I’m not meeting enough women.” I’ve always been an engaging, upbeat person, so I thought it was likely I’d get a few numbers just by overcoming my crippling anxiety. I was right. I approached ten women in public the next day, and got two numbers. I’d tasted blood.

“I’m staying in the friend zone.” Brad made his intentions clear. Sure enough, one of his friends (Stacy) felt the same way back and never thought he’d ask.

“Women look down upon me.” Many of my students, while being more confident, found immediate success with women - getting phone numbers and dates that night - for the first time at bars and clubs.

Successive Testing.
We still had a lot to improve at. While our first attempts won us success, we still weren’t “great” with women. Day by day, we simply tried new things and solved new problems. It was fascinating to learn step by step, and we’d get to be pretty darn decent around women in just a few week’s time. I did it longer, and now I teach it to other men.

What Most Men Do Wrong.
For as much as we use Bumpy Soap in our everyday lives, you’d think it would come naturally to us in the dating world. Not so.

Those who struggle tend to set their sights on one and only one woman in particular. Like a football player in his only Superbowl, he says “I HAVE to get this one or I'm a failure!”

And when they don’t, they delve into all the possible reasons why.

“I’m too fat.” “I don’t smile enough.” “There’s other guys that are better than me.” “I have a scar on my left ear.” “I don’t tell funny jokes.” Yada yada yada. This kind of behavior is destructive, and causes them to look backwards instead of forwards.

Let’s use the video gamer analogy to see how ridiculous this behavior is.

If you start out trying to beat a new video game, the last thing you’d do is tell yourself “I HAVE to win it on this try or else I'm a failure!” Imagine someone who did that and failed. He’d immediately start naming all the things that went wrong, that he should've done, and he might be unwilling to try again.

But the overall goal is not to date one particular woman. The overall goal is to become better with all women. That includes your mail lady, your teacher, the cute bartender, the librarian, your friend Jenny, the waitress… any woman that comes into your life. You don't have to attract all of them, just be engaging, be interested in them as people, smile and win them over.

You'll have some successes and many failures, but you'll be learning, tinkering and improving all along the way... and eventually you'll get it. At that point, it’ll be that much easier to end up with Mrs. Right.

One final note. Many of my students came to me believing their looks were the reason why they didn’t attract women. Trust me on this, the reason is rarely “he’s not good looking enough” or “he’s too short” or “he’s too young.” I've seen guys with shriveled hands, lazy eyes, and scars across their faces attract the women they want. You have no excuse.

Stick to what you can control (your personality, your courage, your drive), keep developing it day by day with Bumpy Soap, and hone your skills till you know you'll be ready when Mrs. Right enters your life.

Of course, if you trip up at all along the way, then you can try The Guide :). I have a feeling, though, most of you will do just fine on your own.

Next post in a few days.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

The REAL Reasons Women Find Men Attractive

One of the first things students ask me about women is "How do I become more than a friend to her?" In a later post, I'll get into a couple techniques, but for now, I'll start with this: The Four Levels of Attraction.

Guys who are good around women effortlessly (and often without even realizing it) trigger each of these levels of attraction in women. If you are having trouble getting past the friend zone, it's likely that you are leaving out a level.

The Four Levels of Attraction are as follows, and they are listed in order of importance: 1) Triggering Dominant Emotions, 2) Sexiness/Manliness, 3) Being a Challenge, 4) Logical Factors. However, while these levels differ in importance, they are all necessary in getting a woman to fall for you.

Allow me to explain…

Level #1: Triggering Dominant Emotions

We all have the desire to…

1) have fun,

2) be popular,

3) command respect,

4) be independent, and

5) see the world.

The truth is, very few of us are completely happy with ourselves in any of these. Subconsciously (and sometimes consciously), we feel the need to live a more exciting life … to have more friends and go to more parties … to convince more people of our beliefs … to do what we want and not care about what other people think … and to pursue our dreams and live out our aspirations.

Because we are unhappy with these qualities in our own life, we follow others who confidently project these to the world.

Think about it…

1) People flock to hang out with those having most fun at parties. Wallflowers rarely attract anybody.

2) Popular people make friends faster and easier than unpopular people.

3) People in power effortlessly get others to follow them.

4) People who “do their own thing” regardless of what others think tend to be leaders of others. (Think the “bad boys” from high school, and how many women they got…)

5) People are naturally drawn to stories of the rich, famous and worldly.

Men who clearly project at least one of these dominant emotions consistently and inevitably intrigue women.

A similar strategy occurs in ads and commercials: Well-marketed products begin by making the customer realize what he/she is missing in life (using a dominant emotion, typically fear or greed), then the product is set up as the solution for filling that missing gap. Since human nature is human nature, the exact same strategy works for attracting women.

How men use this to become more attractive to women:

They make money: Rich guys invoke emotions #3 and #5.

They develop their artistic or bad-ass qualities: Independent thinkers invoke emotion #4.

They become the life of the party and always have a great time: “Lifes of the party” invoke emotions #1, #2, #3.

Notice it doesn’t take any specific talents to become great at #1, #2, #3, or #4. Literally ANY guy, no matter your shape, your size, or your looks, can master these to trigger the emotions of attraction in women.

Level #2: Sexiness & Manliness

Below the dominant emotions are two necessary but less important factors of attraction: your looks and your testosterone.

Women are accepting when it comes to men’s natural looks. Every day you see bald men, fat men, short men and even ugly men with good-looking women. While good looks might be initially exciting to a woman, looks don’t consistently trigger deep feelings in a woman like dominant emotions do.

However, women WILL place significance on style. If you are poorly groomed or poorly dressed, she will see you as being out of touch with society, and it will lower your credibility as a fun, popular guy.

In most cases, women are more attracted to masculine men, just like how most men would rather date the girly-girl cheerleader than the tom-boy. Masculinity is a primal attraction trigger, and there’s no real logic behind it. Just realize it’s there and it matters.

How to use this to become more attractive to women:

Go to the mall with an in-the-know female friend, and ask her to find clothes for you. Chances are, she will have fun helping you out, and she’ll see it more as an opportunity than a favor.

Spend $40+ on a cool haircut. You’ll only have to do it once, and it’s worth it to pay for an expert’s opinion on the best look for your hair.

Be a man! If you enjoy sewing or fashion design or ballet, that’s fine (keep doing it). But don’t shy away from projecting your love of steak and football, too. Manliness is a mysterious and powerful force.

Level #3: Being a Challenge

We hate telemarketers and salesmen who try to tell us how we should be living our lives and spending our money. Nobody likes being duped or told what to do.

The same goes for women and attraction. If she realizes you are trying to attract her before you actually do, you’re out. Read that sentence again.

Sadly, most guys don’t realize women – like men - want to figure things out for themselves. Instead, these poor fellows make the mistake of approaching on a bee-line in bars and clubs … smiling too much when first meeting a woman … giving her a compliment … and buying her a drink.

Keep this in mind: Whenever a woman is approached, the first thing she wonders is “Why is this person talking to me?” If she figures out you’re trying to attract her, and she’s not already attracted to you, it makes her feel like you’re selling yourself to her.

And just like telemarketers and those people on infomercials … people who sell assume a lower value.

How to use this to become more attractive to women:

Let her figure out on her own how amazing you are. Talk about something platonic – and MEAN it. Talk to her because – legitimately – you find her to be an interesting person, not because you have a hidden agenda to sleep with her.

Get her friends laughing. Have her notice you engaging other people. Have her notice other women ogling you as you talk to them.

Playfully kid with her. Think about how you act towards female friends you don’t find attractive. In a friendly, funny and innocent way, you tease them a bit and get them laughing. (Make sure it’s friendly, funny and innocent. Jerks don’t get laid.)

This teasing automatically tells a woman that you are not selling yourself to her. As a result, she’ll realize you are speaking to her not to “pick her up”, but to meet someone new and to have a good time.

This will put her at ease, lower her defenses, and get her mind thinking about YOU instead of “Why is he approaching me?” Crucial stuff.

Level #4: Logical Factors

Way at the bottom of the attraction chain are the logical factors: being funny, smart, witty, charming, eloquent, chivalrous, nice, sweet, kind, and having the same interests.

Remember, EMOTIONS are what convince people to take action. None of these logical factors invoke emotions in women.

However, these logical factors do serve some importance. One of the laws of sales is that people act on their emotions, but must justify those actions with logic. This is why you see car commercials start with scenes of a car cruising through the mountains or beaches (emotion), then end with statistics like horsepower and APR rates (logic).

(Here’s a quick exercise for figuring out what stirs emotions. Look at a picture of a gorgeous model, and pay attention to how your mind starts going crazy. All at once you feel emotions of insecurity, vanity and power, among others. Now, let’s say I told you that model was also an Ivy-league grad who was a great cook. Notice you don’t feel your mind going crazy as before, but you DO feel more attracted to her because you’ve justified your attraction for her through logic.)

These logical factors won’t attract women, but they are important because they can add onto attraction that is already there, and missing them could be a dealbreaker. Take this for example…

Even if you trigger dominant emotions in her… even if you are sexy and manly… even if you are a challenge…

… if you fail to open a door for her – and she MUST have a man who is chivalrous – you’re done.

The strange thing is, most men invert the attraction levels and put logical factors at the top. They tell a woman a great joke, give her a kind compliment, speak in an intelligent way, and become frustrated when women back away from their advances. If you’ve experienced problems with attracting women, perhaps you’ve done the same.

How to use this to become more attractive to women:

Tell your jokes. Study hard. Be a nice, kind person. But don’t expect any girl to fall for you because of it.

Simply realize these are just qualities a woman checks off in her head before she justifies her attraction to you – and you’ll be more inclined to focus on the other, more important levels of attraction that will make you more successful with meeting and dating beautiful women.

Overall, the best way to become good at attracting women is to force yourself to go out and meet more of them. Like any skill, you'll naturally get better at it the more you try. But keep these levels in mind. In my experience, it quickens the amount of time needed to really excel with attraction.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Welcome to DEA

Hey Guys,

Rick here, finally got the blog up and running.

Instead of focusing strictly on how to get a girlfriend, I'm making this blog about attraction in general. Most dating advice deals with the "how to" variety, but few talk about what to do when the "how to" goes wrong.

In this blog, I'm casting aside all formulas and giving you consistent, breakthrough information on the real reasons why women become attracted: a term I like to call 'Dominant Emotions'.

DE's are everywhere: beneath every smile ... every longing heart ... every outstreched arm. Trigger just one in a girl and her entire perspective of you changes. DE's are powerful stuff (their origins are traced back to direct marketers, who use them to sell millions of products in a short amount of time) yet very few men or women are even conscious of them, not to mention their benefits.

First post coming in a bit. Send all questions to