Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Hey Freud, Here's What Women Want

"What do women want in a man?"

Freud, for all his great insights, didn't have an answer. Neither did any of the hundreds of men from around the world that come to me each day looking for help.

I figured I'd give it my best shot. Hopefully this will clear up some common misconceptions frustrated guys have about women and what they want in a man.

First off, let's think about the process of a typical attraction. Man approaches woman, woman decides man is worth her phone number, then her time for a first date, then her kiss, and so on as the relationship progresses to sex and onward.

The woman is constantly assessing the man's value. It's not about what he does, it's about who he actually is. A bit confused? You shouldn't be, because men do the same thing whether they realize it or not. Take this for example...

Imagine you decide to learn how to play golf. Your local course has two pros offering private lessons. To find out which pro is better for you, you sign up for one lesson with each.

You go in for your lesson with the first coach. He seems overly nice. During the lesson, he constantly references tips he found in golf magazines, tactics other coaches are teaching, and coaches clinics he's attended. He says he's not a great player but knows how to teach the game. At the end, he thanks you for trying him out and says his schedule is wide open.

Now you go in for your lesson with the second coach. He meets you and immediately starts the lesson without much small talk. This coach teaches his own beliefs, and he makes it a point to explain why he teaches everything he does. He mentions several top local players that take lessons from him. At the end, he shows you his packed schedule with one time slot available. "I'll hold it till the end of the day if you decide you want to continue with the lessons," he says.

Chances are, you'll keep working with the second coach. Why? Because you believe the first coach doesn't know what he's talking about, while the second coach does. Of course, you follow the coach that shows he's more valuable.

Step-by-step, here is what you might have thought as you took your lesson:

From the first coach...
He seems overly nice. - "Why is he being so nice to me? He probably doesn't have many students, or is new at this."

During the lesson, he constantly references tips he found in golf magazines. - "If this guy is a pro, shouldn't he already know this stuff instead of telling me things he read out of magazines? I don't think he's actually a pro."

From the second coach...
This coach teaches his own beliefs, and he makes a point of it to explain why he teaches everything he does. - "He's teaching me stuff I've never heard before, but he's explaining it and it makes sense. He knows what he's doing."

At the end, he shows you his packed schedule with one time slot available. - "Lots of people, even top players, are going to him. He must be good."

By their various statements and actions, you determined the second coach is better. Note that this had nothing to do with how the second coach treated you - in fact, the first coach was nicer to you and had the more flexible schedule. You picked the second coach because of who he is.

The same questions enter the woman's mind when you approach her, meet her and date her. However, instead of wondering if her date knows how to teach tennis, she wonders these things:

1) Does he know who he is?
2) Does he know what he wants?
3) Does he know how to get what he wants?
4) Is he happy with his life?
5) Does he know how to make me happy?

In all, it's not that complex. Yet men make these common mistakes with women all the time, and it lowers their value.

1) Does he know who he is?
Trying to be a nice guy, trying to be a jerk, cocky, rich, an intellectual, a player, etc. She wonders "Why is he trying to be something he's not? Maybe it's because the real thing isn't that great."

2) Does he know what he wants?
Stating that he has no plan. Being unemployed, or at a job he doesn't like. Not letting the woman know about his life's passions. She wonders "Where is this relationship going? Maybe he doesn't even know."

3) Does he know how to get what he wants?
Complaining, whining, talking about his bad luck, blaming others, insulting others. She wonders "Why is he blaming others for failing? I'm getting the impression that he just doesn't know what he's doing, he quits too easily, or he's out of touch with reality."

4) Is he happy with his life?
Talking just about the future instead of his life now. Complaining, whining, talking about his bad luck, blaming others, insulting others. She wonders "If he's so unhappy, why doesn't he go out and meet great people and do what he wants? This sounds like baggage."

5) Does he know how to make me happy?
Saying he's had no women, saying he has few friends, saying he likes to be alone. She wonders "He doesn't have any friends? Something must be wrong."

Instead, do this. Figure out what you like, and let her know that you like it when that topic comes up in conversation.

Accept that you aren't perfect. If she says she hates lazy guys, and you are lazy, tell her "Yeah I hate laziness. Sometimes though I'll be watching a tv show marathon and just call off the rest of the day." This also shows that you aren't trying to be something you're not.

Presume the best out of people. The way you talk to people is an indication of the level of people you associate yourself with. If you ask a waiter "Can you get me a drink?" your presumption is that he might not be able to do that. A man who associates himself with competent, successful people presumes the abilities of others. That man would instead say "I'd like a drink."

Speak highly of those you know. Talk about your talented coworkers, your friends you can trust with anything, your selfless parents. It indicates that you surround yourself with great people.

If you're approaching a woman in a crowded environment, make sure she sees you enjoying yourself amongst friends or making other women laugh. This is better proof of a healthy social life than anything you can claim in conversation.

There's others. (Buy my e-book, damnit.) But when you communicate with women in the future, give some thought to how your words and actions reflect on your overall value. What does complimenting her early on suggest about you? Buying her a drink? Calling her the next day? Telling her you love her? Any of those actions could be good or bad for you. Everyone has a different style that works for them.

Leave me comments. I'll add to it a bit if I'm not being clear.